I'm not a fan of reflecting..But,

2010 has been a great year, no lie. It had the good, the bad, the ugly, the tragic, the unbelievable, and the amazing moments. 2010 was legit my 'fuck around year'...I took nothing serious. I was so content with that. I've enjoyed myself. It's only one thing that I partially regret, but hey....Shit happens, right?
But, I've learned to:

• never say never.
• cross to the other side because the grass is greener
• don't dwell on shit.
• when people decide to walk out, simply let them. 

 

 I guess we're all wait for that amazing thing to happen,

Wooooowwww, it's a been awhilee.

I'm just sitting here thinking, I would say normally....
But it's kinda  not normal..
I'm thinking about my future.
Not really my present..
& not much of my past because I know it makes me upset.

I got some disturbing news Saturday...Sunday...?
One of those nights.. it was tough.
The news led me to worry & also to the big feeling of guilt.
The news was my Grandma [the one that actually cares, my Dad's mom.] had a heart attack...
I felt worry, because it was my Grandma, I wasn't sure if she was okay or not.
I felt guilt because I had an ample opportunity to spend my Summer with her & actually bond with her...
& I didn't.
I was hoeing around...literally.
& she had given me the greatest advice that I listened too..but I didn't analyze & think about.
One of the biggest fuckups of my life, & I gotta lotta those.
I never told her I loved her first, I always had the 'too'.
I put too many before my ownnnnn.
After I left for the summer, I never called her...
& I only called my aunt once to let her know I made it.
But from then on....no one heard from me.
But there was also a moment where I isolated myself from everything & everyone..
& I was basically borderline suicide.
=|
& thenn one day my Mommy said outta nowhere..."God wouldn't do that to you..."
But I still didn't call...
even though I got the missed calls & the voicemails..
I regret it...
But it's not like it's my first time learning things the hard way..
I'm pitiful,
A horrid person,
& an awful granddaughter.

My life has been surreal,since I've moved here..
I've gotten drunk, alot.
I've smoked, [black &mild]
I've fought my mom.
I've become a friend to nicotine.
I suffer random depression episodes.
& I've ran away.
& My boyfriend...
idfk.

I try to find a positive motivation,
I always come up blank.

Everyone here.....
NEGATIVE.
Most definitely not good for me.

I wanna better myself, but idk where to start...
.....I just don't know where to start.

I seek my happiness in laughter,
but funny is only temporary.
Every cigarette comes to a bud, & every cup goes empty.

I smile, I goof, I flirt...
I play it off...
& nothing's sensed.
because I'm a good actress.
I keep everything in...
to myself,

I run wanna run to the horizon, reach the end of the Earth.............& jump.
Whether gravity catches me or not,
It doesn't matter.

I heldd out, a lil;

Welll, it's been awhile since I've actually updated my blog. & I thought about & I update & re-do my blog once a month. Hopefully I get more posts in this month, & not late night posts this month. Those late night posts have been KILLING me, blogging @ 1, 2, 3, 4 in the morning; focking psychotic.
Uhm, so the theme of December is basically Graffiti; uhm, what the title means.

"Mined Conphettee"

sound it out.

  mined [ mind ]

conphettee [confetti ]

what it means:

Well the word "mind", your brain. & confetti, messy shit that gets everywhere when it's let loose. So like when I have all the good stuffn'shit on my mind, I turn to my blog & confetti it up & let loose. Ya know. I don't know how to explain it anymore than that so, if you don't understand then you do the math and get the shit yourself. :]

Now that I've gotten that out the way. Uhmm, wellllll in a day it's going to be December! :] Which is indeed one of my favorrrrite months ever. But, this December has given my a really if-y/EH mood-feeling. Why?, you ask..lol. Well really I think it's because this would be the very first December in my life without snow, I've cried @ the thought of this, seriously; I mean I've have had Christmases without snow, but not like a year or at that a month. :\ I'm a Michigan baby by heart, & two years in Illinois isn't much different; I'm used to the cool, yet still summery summers, the raking tons of leaves off the ground into one huge pile then jumping in it [which is pointless, but a joy of life], I'm freakinn used to the snowy, blizzards, Snow Days & No School winters, Christmases & New Years & then the rainy, perfect breezes and revealing of the grass springs! Okay, okay..I am probably being a little dramatic, so I'm homesick; SHOOTME, [rollingofeyes].

So I've been thinking about going home [Michigan] for Christmas break & whatnot, since we have like 3weeks or so for the break. & that's in like 3weeks until the break starts. =\  But like I said, I've been *thinking* & welll, it's something in my spirit that's just not that "whoop-dee-doo!" fer Michigan. I mean I'm homesick & all but... here's the deal: I don't even care about my blood family up there, like it's just a flatout FuckYou to every single one of 'em. & well, the people I claim, I think they're jut about tired of me; well... I would be if I was them & plus...it's just basically an awkward situation waiting to happen, well not really. Welp, I'm not shure. But wtfev.

Hmm, I'm gonna have to stop flatironing my hair, it's starting to break off =\ MoSDef. NOTAGOODlook or thing.

So, I saw these shoes; & I think they're pretty cute;

So, these are apparently Converse Chuck Taylors, no off-brand type crap. I like Chucks, they're cute, but in one word they're classic. Uhmm, would I wear these? hmmm, okay well to start; I don't really like the White Cheetah, or whatever print the white & black ones is; I'm not a big fan of those; SO, those are scratched off the list. Erhhm, out of all 3, I would take the giraffe print ones; they are uber cute to me fer some reason, I probably wouldn't like wear them wearthem, but they are some good for a collection; a once-in-a-while-thrown-on-with-something-cute-for-the-trip-to-the-mall....or movies, hmmm, or Six Flags; I could see myself walking around Six Flags in those looking cute...lol. But I like 'em.

So, I just Google'd [smile] the Hello Kitty G Shock that I saw in like early November; but it was a Baby G & this popped up when I was Googlin':

I would wear the fucking shit out this thing! [orgasmgrunt]UGHH! I loveee it; I, myself, is a Hello Kitty fan, along with just about 20million other girls in the world. & I have also became addicted-slash- a really big fan of G Shocks! but uhmmm, here's the Baby G, I first saw. I'm not & never really have been a big fan of Baby G's buttt, for Hello Kitty, I'd change some ways.

They're cute & all. Actually, I kinda love'em. But they're running 495dollarsscrillacashyougmulahbaby. & uhhm, I kinda don't have 500$ to blow.....on a watch. Nahw dahwgg, not me; not now & uhh, maybe later on in my life, but shit there's way better things to do with 5hunnitdollas; just my opinion. Hello Kitty is still LOVE! =]

Okay, so I know that New Balances probably not "in" or considered "cool" to some people, but shit; fuckthat. I would wear these, a good look to me. =]

I like 'em.

Well, my mommy gets paid Tuesday & well, I wanna go shopping =]

I saw some stuff in HT, then it's some jeans, like 2 sweaters, a cardigan & a shirt that I saw in Wet Seal; I didn't look in Chalotte Russe. I want some shoes, I was thinking about getting some Chucks, but I saw these Adidas that were kinda cute; it wasn't shit in Finsh Line. & I might get these two G Shocks I want; a pink one & navy one. =] But I do want another pair or two of Uggs, hmph; Idk. I don't wanna get my hopes up, because it seems like when I do..everything just goes underwater, it never fails. & I need some new sunglasses..yes, in the wintertime & I need some undergarment & boobholders from Victoria's Secret--those are mandatory. But, eh, we'll see.

Remember: Smileeee, you never know who's watching. :]

I'm out like the 80's kids, bbl.

=]

-Serm.

Vivrant Thing <3

Alrighhh, so; continuation from yesterday..
November, favorite month, basically.

So, I really want to do something with my life,
let go of some things,
move on,
succeed in SOMETHING.
& like it's starting to get really really annoying, my everyday life.
I hate it, I'm far from satisfied.
--Completely Unsatisfied.

I'll stop there.
I think I know what's wrong with me.. =\
ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ohno.

For THAT NIGGA Kenny Boffmann.

Sooooo, in order for him to send me a gift on Farmville; I had to make him smile.
....lmao, all for a gift on Farmville; whattuhh looser I am.

So, I'm hoping that playing 18 by DCM is helping, because I don't know him like that..
lmaoo.
But uhmm, what I do know about him is that he's pretty keewwwel.  He is funny, he makes me laugh.
stuff like this: ahahah ;

& uhmmmmmmmm...

HE THAT NIGGA.

AHAHA, ily Kenneth P. Boffman.

:]

-Sermm.

Soooo, it's beeen fer-flipping-ever since I've updated this thing.
Hmm, where do I start.
Well let me start with the last two weeks of October.
Hmph;

OCTOBER.

 Okay, so the last two weeks I didn't blogn'whatnot. Uhmm, I had homecoming; oh & btw. I don't know if I blogge this or not but for our homecoming game we lost....bad, like 47-7, rivalry team too. We suck, exactly why I have no school spirit whatsoever. But anywho, Homecoming; I was supposed to go with this guy Justin [ughh, these J's...smh, ew.] Anyways, he asked me to homecoming I said "Yes" I mean I liked the guy & everything. But then I switched lanes & went into a crash course. So that Friday (Homecoming was that Saturday) my mom gave me the choice of going to the hairdresser & getting my hair done [LIKE I SHOULD'VE DONE] but, like I had thought that if I wore my hair curly a.k.a AU NATURAL ;

BUT WHEN I WASHED MY HAIR & DID ALL THAT SHIT SATURDAY.....

it was a total fucking wreck, like it was just all bad. So I had to do my hair from scratch & that, my dear, is not easy @ alllll. 

That process includes all of 

-Washing

-Blowdrying, & I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A FREAKIN BLOWDRYER. I had to do it the ghetto ass way & that's; get a towel & ringg the shit out my hair until it's nearly dry, then go over it with ceramics. 

THENNN..

-Flatiron it. 

-Flatiron it....again.

-Give up, if it's decent enough.

So I had to do all that shit, but it turned out good; besides the fact that I was an hour & 25 minutes late. & While I was getting ready I was ignoring calls & all of that. & so Justin called me like a million times--I answered 0. & then this girl Samaria called me & I answered [fuckup] & she was like "Justin's just wondering if your still coming to the dance.." 

& I'm all like, "Yeahh, I'll be there in a minute..."-click-. So, I'm in a rush, putting on clothes, make-up & accesories & shit. But I turned out looking gooood, shall I say myself..

SELF TIMER WAS MY FRIEND THAT NIGHT.

 

First- Me & Nia, my play sister! Second- Samaria, I look :\

I loveeeee this one. So much, Nia & Tilly<3.

 

 

a lil flashyy, ahah. :]

 

& the self timer begins. :]

I loveee this one. :]

 

;]

  

Lol, I kinda forgot what my under attire was. :\

Cute picture tho. :]

SO, so I took no pictures with my "date" & uhm, he told like 8 people that I stood him up. When I didn't I was just late & when I got there he already had another girl on his arm & dancing with him, so I was like fugggitthen. After homecoming I went to past tense's hotel room fer like 25 minutes then I left. I'm so through with him... But yeah, that was basically my Octoberr. :]

Okay, soooo.. It's November now. We've completed our first week in November. & I'm soooo happy, like no one understands. I love the season sooooo much. Like so many peoples favorite season is Summer, because of all the freee time & nice weather & whatnot. But not me, & my birthday IS IN THE SUMMER. But it's something about  the Fall that gets me. I love it. But I feel I've talked too much.

Bee Back Tomorrow Babies.

You Could Be a Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare...

Hmmm, so basically I've been thinking alot. I know you're like, "When are you not thinking...". That's a good question...but when you don't think, you become somewhat of ignorant. I wrote some really deep stuff in my journal the other night, one of many sleepless nights. & it's like with every journal entry I learn so much more about myself; & I guess this blogging thing is just another ventilation outlet for me to have, because I believe no one will understand. & they won't I know they won't, they won't understand now because I have no one in my life to care enough to understand, I don't care about that tho. It's fine, I've grown accustom to most things in this world. But anyways, when I was thinking I realized I've fucked up, not as bad, but I've fucked up; like First-Degree Fuckkup. & I hate to say it but it's a permanent fuckkup, because it happened in the past & everyone knows, you can't go back in time. If I could go back in time & change this fuckkup, I think I would.. & this is alllll a result from me just being me; THIS is what I hate about myself; I'm so fuckin delusional & naive. FUCK MYSELF, SO FUCKIN DELUSIONAL & NAIVE. Womp, THERE IT FUCKING IS... I found it, I solved the equation. In my journal I said "It was *something* that made me do it, *something* that made me care the little bit I did.. It wasn't that I didn't give a fuck, it was the fact that I was so fuckin delusional & naive...  now I know why the reactions, was the reactions I got. I sold myself soooo short, SO SHORT. But on the bright side what made me realize this is...this great guy Jeremy.. yeahpp. Him. He's different. Different from me, but yet such the same. He hates when I say "I don't care..", he wants to know exactly how I feel about every little thing. He embraces everything I say, takes it into consideration, he actually cares. & I really don't like it. He talks relationship, while I talk...[stuff].  He's handed me his heart & I've frozen mine & thrown it on the ground and watched it shatter, & what I hate, well I'm not going to say [hate], but what makes me really like, I don't it just makes me more...resentful to him isssss that he's willing to get down & pick up the pieces & mold them back together.. I'm not willing enough to let this happen. I don't want love, I sound insane, [Love Lockdown starts playing no really it did just start playing on my iTunes]. I'm not willing enough to love, but I guess I can learn, yet I'm not wanting to hurt anyone in this process. I feel as if I rushed into this thing I have going on with this guy & in my last blog I said I was going to say goodbye to Flings & I really do want to, but I don't want a relationship, not now.....not now. & I can't love anyone else, until I love myself. & that hasn't happened yet, so womp. I've been thinking about my future lately, I have some goals to accomplish,  I have some places to see, I have some dreams to live out & I've come to the conclusion that I can't spend my life thinking about things that's pointless, caring for those who could care less, regretting all that I can't take back. I have a whole life ahead of me, & I can't expect the world or anyone in it to give me anything in this world. I don't want it if it's that easy. I'm the one to put up a fight, & it's not a success with out a struggle. Silver spoons is for pussy's. You remember that saying that was like on every other graphic t-shirt & it said "DO WORK SON", my life story. So, I'm done. I feels like I've let off a load & it feels good. But it still feels like I'm about to fucking explode, I'm disappointed in myself, very. & the suckass part is it's my fault [when is it not?] & there's nothing I can change. The only thing I can do is move on; Lesson Learned & Reality Faced.

TOO BAD I SUCK AT MOVING ON.

I try to put all the memories (good & bad) in a dust proof bag & keep 'em close to my heart. & at every weak point I'll turn to them. Which means, I repeatedly look into the past hoping for the future to be the same, or better. & I believe that is the worst any person can do including yourself, basing your future off my past. & you wanna know what's soooooo fucking pitiful, is i hold my memories so close to me to make up for the fact that my life in present tense sucks; major FML, hm?

YEAH.

mhmm, yes; It's time.

Soooo, title: basically means I've had an

EVOLUTION.

Pretty much. & welpp, it's just me letting go of things that doesn't need to be. Dropping things that doesn't matter, letting go of dead weight. I feel like a snake that's shedding it's outer layer, it feels so good.

I've realized so much about myself in this past week, it's crazy. Like, Idk. I've just, I've just Idk.. hmmm.

This Past Week:

• I slowwwwwwly [gotten over....?], stopped thinking, & yes, got over himm. Because I realized, things weren't mutual, and they weren't, and they'll never be. It's like I accidentally chose the role of the girl that cares about this...this asshole & his role is just to play the asshole & you know...it was just like me pouring all I have into a shattered cup---pointless. I'm not going to say I loved him.. but I don't know, I sure as hell cared, thought about him daily, and hourly, & just about every minute of the day. Like no matter if I was sad, happy, 'focused' on my homework; I thought about him all the focking time.  I just got so impatient because when I know that what I'm doing is not going to help me in no way, shape or form it bothers me. & that's what I was doing, wasting valuable time. SO, basis is, I'm so done with that, & I'm sure about that. "I'm not going to try to fit a square into a circle. I'm bolt locking doors & throwin away the key."[- I said that on my Twiiter status, & I love it, because I came up w/ it & it fits, perfectly.] But there's no hard feelings, I'm jut letting go & unlike Marques Houston..I'm not going in circles. & I'm not saying that I'm not ever gonna think about this guy again..because I know I will, there's not denying that fact, I will. But, I'm happy I've finally let go. 
• I'm DONE with flings. Like, no more. Point, blank, period; No More Flings fer me! Shiett, just...no.
  
• I also found out I'm reallllllly needy. Like, I've asked for 4 things in a week, idk if that's needy or just spoiled. No, it's just needy, because I've gotten NONE of them. So, this means I'm disobeying one of the 10 Commandments [ Thou shalt not want... ] :\ - thass not good, hm? But, in the Bible it says "Ask and you shall receive..", rightt...? [MAN, I SWEAR MY iTunes IS JAMMMIN TONIGHT, DANYUMM] butt, uhh. yeahh. I need to cut back on wanting stuff, forreal. It's making me feel like a brat.
• I made some positive goals for my future, for my life & I'm so proud of myself like I really am. You don't understand. I look @ my brothers & see what they're doing w/ their life.... Actually, my oldest one is really trying, I'm proud of him; on the contrary the other one is just makin' offsprings and not knowing what to do w/ his life. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's still young. I just hope he get on the right path... I've realized that some of the choices I've been making recently....has not been so good. Like smoking, I've only smoked twice; first time- Black & Mild and the secondd...- Mary Jane. Both of those experiences, was almost horrible, I should have known after the first time that this hobby was not fer me, because it makes my lungs too close to collapsing; & I did both of those, just outta experience, MOSTLY curiosity, but the surprising part is.. there was no type of peer pressure involved, like at all. & they we're experienced w/ the same person... so what does that tell me about that person..? That I need to get my ass from around them. I'm not stoopid, I know right from wrong. So, I'm not gonna totally be-friend the person, but I do know that I need limits in my life, I need to set boundaries w/ that person. On the light side, I haven't drank alcohol since "Watery Apples" [LMFAO, omg]. & THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT, forreal. But I really need to get my life on track. I'm not tryna end up anything but great, you feel my breeze babe? If not, idc. In the great words of my husband, "I Just Wanna Be, I Just Wanna Be; Successful."<3. Forreal, tho. :]  

• I've also noticed a not good quality about myself. I mean, I haven't just noticed it, I've known, well I haven't known, I've just been ignoring it, I guess, or I haven't payed that much attention to it. To be honest, I just didn't CARE,  like I really didn't give-a-fuck. But I've been really careless with my "reputation", but really to tell the truth; I was only careless w/ it over the summer. & I didn't really do anything. Just, idk, some spur of the moment things that I really didn't think about. Do I regret them, oh-no, I had fun while it lasted... just thanks fer the memories & well, yeah. No more being so promiscuous tho.... I think, yeahh. I'm done, no more promiscuity, lol. Wait, I think it's like one person on my to-do list, & I'm done, forrreeallll! & I might just burn that to do list before the year is over... :]

Basically, this evolution is just about me telling myself that I really need to change. I need to show who I really am, I mean, that's gonna be hard because you know how most of your teens years your supposed to be finding yourself; & basically yes, I am still finding myself. Ugh, I hate being a teenager, it's totally not worth it to me. But, I can't complain. But like I was saying, I need to change in a positive direction. 

Fine-lee, FALL BREAK.

I'm Gettin Money, Muthafuck These Hoes.
I'm kinda ashamed that I know word by word on the DB & CORN playlist. :\

hmmmm, I wonder if I was guy if I would get a thrill outta spying on a girl fingering herself...? Like, wtf?! [I'n watching American Pie, the only  reason why that thought popped up in my head.] Hmmmm.... LMAO, the little short girl w/ the red hair is so hilarious to me! I got this really ugly sweater-vest type thing that I would like wear in the second grade w/ no problem, it's like hideous...but IT'S SOOOO COMFORTABLE! I swear, I'm sleeping in it tonight. :] & then mi madre got this like really cute cheetah print vest from the store & it's sooo cute, I stole it from her. ahhah, but I really wanna go to like a thrift store & find some like cute vintage stuff,you know?
Maybe not. Lately I was contemplating making me a twitter... & today I ended up making one, :\. Last time I made one, I only had ONE follower & it was Von Denire! How much of a fuckin loser was I?! Like, really, 1 follower... smmdh. But yeah, I made one today & I have 10 followers so farr. :\ - slash - :], hopefully it works out way better than last time. Cause that shit was fucking horrible, like I hated it, it made me paranoid of Twitter. [twitter.com/ReptaraaNev, follow me please?] Thanks. :] Ahggg. I'm so mad I can't sleep. Hmph, I'm hungry again. I've listened to this playlist 3 times today, this is terrible. I think Jazzmyn & I,is natural born rats, but oour parents saw it coming, so they sheltered us...that shit didn't work!  LMAO. Ehmm, OMYGAHD, so I took this little quiz thingy on Facebook, right??? & uhmmm, it was like "What's the initaial of you destined best friend" (or some crapp like that) & my result was J!!!! I was likeeeeee WHATTHEEEEEEEEE?! Because it's trueeeee! I was oh-em-jee, thass crazy. Lol. Just a lil Booker T. W, for you. :] But hmmm, I wonder if my mom id gunna get me these two pairs of jeans that I asked fer. Hmm, but now I don't want the two pair, I want one pair of the jean & then these shoes. :] & I still gahtta get some cars boxers & some v-neck t-shirts. :D
Yeahhhhh, I'm kinda needy, but it's coo. But, I'm also tireedddd, so eh'm goneee..
BYE.<3

We've Only Just Begunn...<3

Mannnnnnnn, I sweearrrr I CANNOT wait for flippin Fall Break, mann. Omg, mi madre just brought me some Chick-fil-A, BOY! This shit is about to be demolisheddddddd. :] [does bankhead bounce...] <---ignore thatt.
I have 3 exams tomorrow & to tell the truth I really don't give a fuck about any of 'em. I have homework I've been avoiding to do, but I don't feel like going to get my bookbag from downstairs. Ugh, my mom had to take m car back because some lad bumped into the back of it & fucked it up. Suchaaa bummer, hmm? So thi guy I'm talking to, I kinda like him.. but from references... I've heard that he's really sweet when he's talking to a girl but once he starts dating them....WOMP, WOMP. Soooo, I dunno bout dhiszzz guy. [ignore that dhiszz] But, I gehtttaaa go!
BEH HAWHHS. :]

On a Lighter Notee....

That last blog was like walking on jagged edges for me. I broke down like a million times writing it, then when I proof read it, it took foreverrr because my eyes kept fogging up and stuff. Jeeeezus. So today I went to Walmart to get posters for my campaign and whatnot & they have t-shirts & shit for my school there, I was like wtfudgeeeeeeee.. Lol. But ahmmm, I really want some Cars boxers/ tighty-whiteys :] Honest-to-God- story.
Now I have a headache from crying, GAH. :\ Hmmm.. so my homecoming is in like... 3 weeks; & Ihave some of my outfit already...& I talked to mi madre about be getting extentions in my hair for homecoming & she said Mhmmm. :] I'm so happyyyy. =] Soo, like two guy have tried to "talk" to me this week, & they were ok..they weren't [mytype] cute.& I turned them down. Now I'm talking to anotherrrr guy named Diego..gahddd. but i'm down to talking to two guys.. I'm proud. I really don't wanna talk to them, like that.. but whatever. Uhmmm, well. I'm gunna go make these posters now. Check back in tomorrow, promise..
:]

BEH! :]

Wild Thanggg, You Make My Heart Sanggg.

So, I just tweeeeeked my page. I'm not done yet. I'm falling in love with it, more and more & more. Hmm, "Where the Wild Things Are.." - s t o r y o f m y l i f e. Like, you just would not understand.

Sometimes you jut have to isolate yourself from the world to be understood, because you're the only person who understands you. Sometimes you just have to walk alone..to figure out where the hell your going. & when the world disagrees with every little thing your doing, and every back is faced your way, you just have to make the world yours, be confident in every move you make & not care anymore, be your own support system & merge your way through the backs turned against you & prove every great accomplishment that you achieved, the one that was everyone's great disbelief, everyone's great reality. So you can see the look of astonishment on their face & you can say..."I did it". & in a million years you wouldn't guess that you patting yourself on the back...could ever feel so great. Because when you know you've accomplished something all by yourself, when everybody else said you couldn't do it & you don't know where to go, who to follow, what to believe, who loves you& who to love & who not to love.. & you get through it ALL. You're a pretty strong person, in my eyes. I award you for that. I'm kinda babbling, but it's my blog; so pretty much I can do whatever the heck I want. Si?

I admire those that conquers their dreams & make them reality. I adore people like that.I also admire people that do things w/o the thought of even anyone caring what they do.. self-conscious people really just... I don't really like dealing with self-conscious people, I like being people who's comfortable in their own shoes..Not people that switch shift with the crowd; the person that's all "Oh, well -THEIR- wearing it, so must I... Oh well -THEIR- doing it, so must I... Oh -THEIRS- is like that, mines should be too..

whatthefuckbeyourownself, prettyplease&areallybigthankyou.

Most of my life, I've known.. "I have my own brain, [this] happens to me if I do [this].. & that every move I make/made, I must take responsibilty for or I was a sorry excuse for someone, and that I have no backbone, & that if I was a replica of something, I wasn't worth much. Because people only want real things.."- exact words of my Uncle Ray.. he told me that when I was 10, going on 11. How do I know the exact words..? I wrote down in my Tweety Bird diary I had back in the day, that I still have. :] He told me that when I had locked myself in a bathroom because I thought that I wasn't as pretty as the other girls.. Back when I used to model, I was at a fashion show & everyone else was so happy & excited, all the other girls were Caucasian & it was me and one other black girl & I was just so worried that no one would like me, that I wouldn't get the modeling scholarship if I wasn't like the other girls.. & I don't know, I was just trippin'. Welp, I ended up wining the scolarship, me & three other girls... I declined the offer, because of some personal/family issues in my life that had been going on. & yet there's not a day I don't wonder where the hell I would be if I had of accepted that scholarship... probably somewhere beautiful, somewhere I'd want to be....

Welp, that's the past. My babblingg, my babbling. :]

This book, this movie: Where the Wild Things Are. 

Is just really,  really, really a touchy subject for me. But like, I love it. Alot. It was fourth grade, a very horrible time of my life... I had a psychiatrist, they tried to put me on freakin anti-depressants; actually scratch out the "tried", THEY DID. & I witnessed my mom having a freaking nervous breakdown & was away from her for almost 2 years of my life.. it's was a really really terrible place on the timeline of my life. What sticks out is, everybody else in my life [excluding my brothers].. Okay well, everybody that could somewhat help in this situation.. didn't. They only thing they contributed by saying... "Put her[them(brothers)] in a foster home...". Like, really... your own blood...? Your granddaughter, your niece, your DAUGHTER. Really?!? So, basically only one person pulled through for me & my brothers.. my mom's ex-husband Derek.. it took someone OUTSIDE the family to really open up & care.... terrible, huh? Maybe that's the reason why I am now. Anywhoo. Through alll of the non-caring teachers, overwhelming counselors, those stoopid people trying to take me from my family... it was two very very important teachers that was there, Mrs. Branster & Mr. Gibbs.<3 They were there & very supportive. Mr. Branster had gave me this book one day. & I read it, & I read it, & read it, alot more. It helped me out alot. I realllyy did. This book & my stuffed animal Butterscotch made my life just stable out of all the crazyness & helpless moments.

^this is Butterscotch by the way. I take him everywhere, w/o anyone noticing. :]

I love him, he forsureeee is gunna be there. ANYTIME.

Well, I had planned for this to be somewhat of a normal blog butt, didn't work out that way. Sorry; I'm just a weirdo, I know this. & it's engraved.

hmmm, really?

So, I redid this thing again..
I don't some-type of "Halloween" theme.. Idfk. It's a hot mess right now tho. I'll change it before I go to sleep, most likely.
Well on a lighter note, today was Kyle Cameron's birthday. :]
ilovehim, lots.
I love Karl Jrtoo.
I wrote in my journal about them today... It almost made me cry.
They mean, like,sooooo much to me. Like alot! Man.
It's like, idk. I care about them so much, because idk I jut do. I don't have anyone in my family to care about me for me to care about them, soo... I might as well give my love to them.
:]
Hmmm, well.
Idk, what else to say...

Does She Do It? ;]

Sheeeeesh, I just had to delete some text messages I had 153 inbox messages & 149 outbox messages. I just got a pop-up chat from my little brother Austin Bruckman, he's cooool; he has a Facebook in the sixth grade. SHEESH. I was still uploading pictures & finding layouts for MySpace when I was in the sixth grade.
But inaywhoo. Here I am, once again, listening to Ready (Trey Songz)[ my husband ] :b <-- cause I'm nasty. :D
Lol, I love him.
But, uhh.
Yeah, can you believe I left some stuff out of that long ass blog I did the other day?! But yeahh, I did. I forgot to tell you about Addison, Derek & Mark. :]-slash-:\. Ughh, such a touchy topic. I think there's only one person who knows about them. Ahahah, Addison & Derek, hmm. =\
& uhmm, I left out that me and Jazzmyn have found out we just some low-key rat[sz]
LMAO.
Smh, kidddddingg.
But, I'm surprisingly tired right now, it's like early.
So, updates tomorrow or sometime sooon?!
Oui.

Shanny's Out.

 

Did You Know That Your Love Is The Sweeetest Sin?<3

Everyday a Star is Bornnn. 

Clap fo'em, Clap fo'em, Clap fo'em; HEY! 

Jay-Z know he did the fooooool when he was making the Blueprint 3! I swear, I could put this album on repeat for the REST of my life, no joke. Hmm, I don't which Blueprint I like the most....hm; I don't know which Jay-Z album I like the most tho...Kingdom Come?...American Gangster..? Blueprint 3? I don't know though, WHAT I DO KNOW, is Jay-Z's a freakinn classic, kid. Like, his "little brother" Kanye beats him, by lots. But Jigga still, is a classic. Love him & will always.

 

Listen to it, it is greattttt. 

Don't Follow No Nigga, That's Hoe Shit Man.

Stand On Your Own 2, Do Your Shit Man.

The World is Yours.

Some Girls Are Nice, Some Girls Are Whores.

Don't Listen to Your Crew.

Do What Works for You.

Standin' Back From Situations Gives You the Perfect View.

You See the Snakes in the Grass & You Wait On Their Ass.

Bite Your Tongue for No One & Whatever is Said;

Take It How They Want.
A Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed.

- Jay Z. :]

But inaywhoo. I just finished making me a new profile picture for myself, I reeeeaallly like it.

  

a Stefano Gabbana Original.

XD

But, I just love it. Don't you?

But, [lol @ all the "But"'s] uhmm, maybe I should start talking about my life now; since I haven't blogged in about foreverrrrr. 

School.

School has been going greattt, just great. Uhmm, my grades are gooood, except for geometry. I'm failing that. :\ I gotta get on my job. I was really on my job yesterday. Actually, NO. Rephrase that, I STARTED to be on my job yesterday, I had homework in like every class, or like a test the next day [today]. & I did all, well fairly most of my homework. The only thing I didn't do is finish vocabulary, but it's due Friday, so I'm goooooood. :] But uhhh, yeahh. I did my homework & like I studieddd & all of that. The only test I didn't study for was Psychology & that's because I had to rewrite them & finish the rest of my homework & shizz. So, yeahhh. The most embarrassing thing happened to me in Geometry today; I had lost my "Doodle Notebook" and like I write some OFF-THE-WALL type ishh in that thing. Like, "Whoo-Hoo, she's crazy.", type things. Some things I write down NO ONE can understand, & then other things some can understand, and then there's just the obvo. stuff... & my teacher found it & read ALL OF IT, it was just terrible. I hope he doesn't remember ANY of it. Buttttt, we have a game Friday & I'm GEEK'D. Whooo-Hoo. :] & OH! andddddddd our Homecoming is October 30th. :D

Loveeeeeeee Life.

Hmmmmmm, so there's there's thisss guy. :]

I don't wanna ginx it, so let's just say he's wonderful; you know the song "Halo" by Beyonce? Yeahhhp, that's him, :) Uhmmmm, he's great. I blow him off, constantly. But truly, it's because I have no clue what I want right now. I had wrote a blog about how I wanted a relationship but like I really only wanted a relationship so I could get it on & not be a hoe.....MY MALE MENTALITY[I deleted the blog.]. I'll probably end up writing another one, because I have like a really strong Male Mentality, like I'm really careless & goshh, idk, it's hard to explain. But LIKE I WAS SAYING, if whatever I have with this guy promotes to something then like I want it to, you know, happen slow & like I don't wanna rush into anythings. I guess I'm starting to be smart & actually think about my actions before it happens. Hmmmm, this guy needs a codenameeee.....uhh, Buckle. :] But yess, I like him, alot & uhmm, we have a date thingy tomorrow; but like it's not a real date it's really his Family Dinner, because it's his grandparents anniversary, & uhh, he invited me. Becauseeee we WERE supposed to hang out; Saturday Night & Sunday, & I pusssyfooted around & like, made alot of excuses. So yeah. :] & THENNNNN; there's this guyyy: codename CZAR, do the math. Uhmmm, yeah. He makes me smileeee alottttttt, like he says the sweetest thing. :D ; He Makes Me Blush. :] I haven't had a crush since 8th grade & both of them sucked major anal juiceeeee, really. But, I got over both of'em. Great ish. :] But, like I hope I've matured in my senses, becasue I had like no common sense whatsoever. But, whatever. We'll see. :]

Friends, Frans, Friennnnnnns. :]

Uhhhhh, I still love them all. Every single one of them. 

• JazzmynAlexusGraves.
• Anthony....[cough]RichardJohnson.
• AbagailLouisBruckman

Mary Ann Ellis, Samaria Barnes, & Lexeh Nicole Smith... I mean all of them. But low-key, I love those first three alot. Well, Anthony, sometimes. LMAO, & Well, me & Jazzmyn will always be friends, no doubt, no matter what, like no walls or nothing; "Blood Couldn't Make Us Any Closer", so true. :] & Abagail, well I just love her, just about everything about her, except the fact she's a little overbearing. I stiiilllllll love her tho, & always will, SISTERS FOREVER. :] I love my friends. I don't know what I would do without 'em. If I could prove Jazzmyn wrong, thennnnnnn I would, but I can't. SO, bang.

Life

Life is greeeaaatttt & I'm just learning to appreciate all that I have. I've been trying to adjust my attitude to something better than what it was. I've had alotta people tell me like, "Your Attitude Determines Your Latitude" & I've decided to reconsider how I want to carry myself around. Too much pride can weigh you down, ya know? SO, I'm just living life lavish, & you know what? It feels RIL-LAY, RIL-LAY GOOD. & uhhm, I've decided I need to clean up my vocabulary, ALOT. Like my vocab is just grosss, I need to wash my mouth out with bleach, bro. It's terrible. So, I've started a noo cursing thinggg. So yeahhhpp, that's the way it is. I'm not about to be one those little stoooopid people who put like, "LMBO", because that shi.....ish just urks the fick outta me. UGH. But inaywoo, that's my update. Hopefully I start checking in more often! Sheeesh, I'm sorry. But, eeeelay. [ily]

K, byeeeeeee; Shanny's Izzy. :]

OH YEAHHHHHH! How could I forgettt....?!!

I made some reallyyyyy cute dooodle's for meeee blogg. :]

 

Lmaoo, cuteee huhh? :]

 I wassss sooooooooooper bored in history class. Lol.

  

 

One Sixty..Nothing. :)

We have onehundred&sixtynothing days left; I don't know if that's with the No School days or what. I just know that it's like 160 of 'em left, lol.
GAHTTA GO.
btw, I'm at school. :)
AGAIN

One Sixty Three...Two.

The first day of Septemberrrrr.
TWO MORE MONTHS UNTIL OCTOBER; I have sometime of obsession with Halloween. WHY? Idk, I just like that holiday. My favorite, no; not at all. I just like the candy & the whole hanging out with friends type thing.
:)
But school was coo, I fell asleep on the phone last night/this morning..smh. If I don't start going to sleep at the proper time then like, I'm gonna end up like Jazzmyn & 'nem. Lmaoo, seriously.
Weeeeeeeellllllllll, I avoided doing this blog ALLLLL night, so I'm just gonna have to do one tomorrow.
& do my research, OMG.
:]
k, BYE.

Finally! Flippin' August Is Over.

phew!

It seems as if I've been living in the month of August for 31 years & not days; it went by sooooooooo flippin' slow! UGHH, it's just been terrible. Well, it hasn't been that bad. School is school. I've made some new great friends: Lexeh & Mary Anne. They say I act too white to be black, & I don't know how to respond to that.... Like am I supposed to be offended, am I supposed to say Thank You? Like is it a bad or good thing? I'm terribly confused. EHWELL.

So, I just lied to Anthony about dropping my phone, because I just simply felt like hanging up on him.

& I just went on like a webcam picture frenzyyyy.

I had to burppppp. (I really burp'd)

 

This was a Toot Toot & a burpp, I'm suchhaaa friggin lady. :)

Even if you don't like me, I bet you fall in love with my ride. ;)

My mom just walked in my room, saying: "Geeez, you take real provocative pictures!"
WHO TOLD HER TO SPY ON ME?!?! It's not like I was gonna put it on the webbbbbb.
But since she was spying on me; here it goess.

 

Sexxxxay. xD

quadroooople c[x

Ahaahahah, "Quadrooooople X" :)

I guess I just feel beautiful today;

• I walked the halls like, [heels clicking sound] FIERCENESS!
• I smiled ALL DAY. Like ALL DAY! :)
• I've took like a miiiiiilllliiiionnnnnnn pictures on Cherry & Cammy.
• & Idk, I've just been so chipppper today.

I didn't go to sleep until TWO! I was on the phone with Frank & Abigail, lmaoo.
"I Think I Love Huhhh!" LMAO, terrrrrible.
Had me dyinnnnnnnggggg laughing. OMGahdddddd, just terrible. Thenn, my favorite show came on. NOW THAT, is just a shame, just like shake your head into a coma type terrible. Loll, seriously.
But uhhh, I've recently become OBSESSED with Trey Songz & everything about him.‹3 
I was just looking through my 'Older Posts' & I had said Trey Songz was mine... So technically, he's been mines, since like 3 weeks ago. :)
Ahaa.
Low-key, I think I'm actually starting to like....Alabama.
It's mos.def growing on me & I can't help it.
I just realized, I've finally found my dreams, & it just feels soooo great you have no clue. I was just so lost & confused on my life, I found one, I FOUND ONE. & it like brings me to tears; I've found one of my dreams. :)
I'm proud, so proud.
So, I took this picture like.....I think Friday & I just look so flippinnn' silicone. It's terriblee.

 

Well, I think I look silicone.

Idk, maybe it's just me.

But, hmmmm; don't you hate when people try to criticize you for the way YOU live YOUR life? 

[chuckle;]

i must leave on that note,

gonefernow

V.

-Shanny's Out.

SNATCHHH!

Soooooo, I'mat school. Just sittin in the library, in psycology class & whatnot. We're suuuuppposed to be working on this project that's due on uhhh... [grabs paper] September 22nd. We have to make "the Perfect School", the perfect school is NO school; what kinda gay shit? But inaywhoo, idk what I'm doing tonight but I'm not stayin in "da cribbbb" [rat moment, sorry]. My school library is so gay, to where they buy iMacs & delete the fuckin photobooth off......TF?!gayyyyyy. Maybe I should stop saying that, it really is offensive to the homosexuals, & I love my homo's, no homo...
....lol, I never really understood; well, yeah I did. But like, who was the first person to say "no homo"....
HM.
But back to the basics, I want to go to the mooooo-vays to see Halloween or the Final Destination....but Halloween loooookk SUPERRRRR good. But FD is in 3D....dipp shit.
I wanna see it, maybe I'll see both...
I need a guy tho.
Uhp, bell just ranggggg.
VEE, fernoww.