I'm not a fan of reflecting..But,

2010 has been a great year, no lie. It had the good, the bad, the ugly, the tragic, the unbelievable, and the amazing moments. 2010 was legit my 'fuck around year'...I took nothing serious. I was so content with that. I've enjoyed myself. It's only one thing that I partially regret, but hey....Shit happens, right?
But, I've learned to:

• never say never.
• cross to the other side because the grass is greener
• don't dwell on shit.
• when people decide to walk out, simply let them. 

 

 I guess we're all wait for that amazing thing to happen,

Wooooowwww, it's a been awhilee.

I'm just sitting here thinking, I would say normally....
But it's kinda  not normal..
I'm thinking about my future.
Not really my present..
& not much of my past because I know it makes me upset.

I got some disturbing news Saturday...Sunday...?
One of those nights.. it was tough.
The news led me to worry & also to the big feeling of guilt.
The news was my Grandma [the one that actually cares, my Dad's mom.] had a heart attack...
I felt worry, because it was my Grandma, I wasn't sure if she was okay or not.
I felt guilt because I had an ample opportunity to spend my Summer with her & actually bond with her...
& I didn't.
I was hoeing around...literally.
& she had given me the greatest advice that I listened too..but I didn't analyze & think about.
One of the biggest fuckups of my life, & I gotta lotta those.
I never told her I loved her first, I always had the 'too'.
I put too many before my ownnnnn.
After I left for the summer, I never called her...
& I only called my aunt once to let her know I made it.
But from then on....no one heard from me.
But there was also a moment where I isolated myself from everything & everyone..
& I was basically borderline suicide.
=|
& thenn one day my Mommy said outta nowhere..."God wouldn't do that to you..."
But I still didn't call...
even though I got the missed calls & the voicemails..
I regret it...
But it's not like it's my first time learning things the hard way..
I'm pitiful,
A horrid person,
& an awful granddaughter.

My life has been surreal,since I've moved here..
I've gotten drunk, alot.
I've smoked, [black &mild]
I've fought my mom.
I've become a friend to nicotine.
I suffer random depression episodes.
& I've ran away.
& My boyfriend...
idfk.

I try to find a positive motivation,
I always come up blank.

Everyone here.....
NEGATIVE.
Most definitely not good for me.

I wanna better myself, but idk where to start...
.....I just don't know where to start.

I seek my happiness in laughter,
but funny is only temporary.
Every cigarette comes to a bud, & every cup goes empty.

I smile, I goof, I flirt...
I play it off...
& nothing's sensed.
because I'm a good actress.
I keep everything in...
to myself,

I run wanna run to the horizon, reach the end of the Earth.............& jump.
Whether gravity catches me or not,
It doesn't matter.