Hmmm, so basically I've been thinking alot. I know you're like, "When are you not thinking...". That's a good question...but when you don't think, you become somewhat of ignorant. I wrote some really deep stuff in my journal the other night, one of many sleepless nights. & it's like with every journal entry I learn so much more about myself; & I guess this blogging thing is just another ventilation outlet for me to have, because I believe no one will understand. & they won't I know they won't, they won't understand now because I have no one in my life to care enough to understand, I don't care about that tho. It's fine, I've grown accustom to most things in this world. But anyways, when I was thinking I realized I've fucked up, not as bad, but I've fucked up; like First-Degree Fuckkup. & I hate to say it but it's a permanent fuckkup, because it happened in the past & everyone knows, you can't go back in time. If I could go back in time & change this fuckkup, I think I would.. & this is alllll a result from me just being me; THIS is what I hate about myself; I'm so fuckin delusional & naive. FUCK MYSELF, SO FUCKIN DELUSIONAL & NAIVE. Womp, THERE IT FUCKING IS... I found it, I solved the equation. In my journal I said "It was *something* that made me do it, *something* that made me care the little bit I did.. It wasn't that I didn't give a fuck, it was the fact that I was so fuckin delusional & naive... now I know why the reactions, was the reactions I got. I sold myself soooo short, SO SHORT. But on the bright side what made me realize this is...this great guy Jeremy.. yeahpp. Him. He's different. Different from me, but yet such the same. He hates when I say "I don't care..", he wants to know exactly how I feel about every little thing. He embraces everything I say, takes it into consideration, he actually cares. & I really don't like it. He talks relationship, while I talk...[stuff]. He's handed me his heart & I've frozen mine & thrown it on the ground and watched it shatter, & what I hate, well I'm not going to say [hate], but what makes me really like, I don't it just makes me more...resentful to him isssss that he's willing to get down & pick up the pieces & mold them back together.. I'm not willing enough to let this happen. I don't want love, I sound insane, [Love Lockdown starts playing no really it did just start playing on my iTunes]. I'm not willing enough to love, but I guess I can learn, yet I'm not wanting to hurt anyone in this process. I feel as if I rushed into this thing I have going on with this guy & in my last blog I said I was going to say goodbye to Flings & I really do want to, but I don't want a relationship, not now.....not now. & I can't love anyone else, until I love myself. & that hasn't happened yet, so womp. I've been thinking about my future lately, I have some goals to accomplish, I have some places to see, I have some dreams to live out & I've come to the conclusion that I can't spend my life thinking about things that's pointless, caring for those who could care less, regretting all that I can't take back. I have a whole life ahead of me, & I can't expect the world or anyone in it to give me anything in this world. I don't want it if it's that easy. I'm the one to put up a fight, & it's not a success with out a struggle. Silver spoons is for pussy's. You remember that saying that was like on every other graphic t-shirt & it said "DO WORK SON", my life story. So, I'm done. I feels like I've let off a load & it feels good. But it still feels like I'm about to fucking explode, I'm disappointed in myself, very. & the suckass part is it's my fault [when is it not?] & there's nothing I can change. The only thing I can do is move on; Lesson Learned & Reality Faced.
TOO BAD I SUCK AT MOVING ON.
I try to put all the memories (good & bad) in a dust proof bag & keep 'em close to my heart. & at every weak point I'll turn to them. Which means, I repeatedly look into the past hoping for the future to be the same, or better. & I believe that is the worst any person can do including yourself, basing your future off my past. & you wanna know what's soooooo fucking pitiful, is i hold my memories so close to me to make up for the fact that my life in present tense sucks; major FML, hm?
YEAH.
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