You Could Be a Sweet Dream or a Beautiful Nightmare...

Hmmm, so basically I've been thinking alot. I know you're like, "When are you not thinking...". That's a good question...but when you don't think, you become somewhat of ignorant. I wrote some really deep stuff in my journal the other night, one of many sleepless nights. & it's like with every journal entry I learn so much more about myself; & I guess this blogging thing is just another ventilation outlet for me to have, because I believe no one will understand. & they won't I know they won't, they won't understand now because I have no one in my life to care enough to understand, I don't care about that tho. It's fine, I've grown accustom to most things in this world. But anyways, when I was thinking I realized I've fucked up, not as bad, but I've fucked up; like First-Degree Fuckkup. & I hate to say it but it's a permanent fuckkup, because it happened in the past & everyone knows, you can't go back in time. If I could go back in time & change this fuckkup, I think I would.. & this is alllll a result from me just being me; THIS is what I hate about myself; I'm so fuckin delusional & naive. FUCK MYSELF, SO FUCKIN DELUSIONAL & NAIVE. Womp, THERE IT FUCKING IS... I found it, I solved the equation. In my journal I said "It was *something* that made me do it, *something* that made me care the little bit I did.. It wasn't that I didn't give a fuck, it was the fact that I was so fuckin delusional & naive...  now I know why the reactions, was the reactions I got. I sold myself soooo short, SO SHORT. But on the bright side what made me realize this is...this great guy Jeremy.. yeahpp. Him. He's different. Different from me, but yet such the same. He hates when I say "I don't care..", he wants to know exactly how I feel about every little thing. He embraces everything I say, takes it into consideration, he actually cares. & I really don't like it. He talks relationship, while I talk...[stuff].  He's handed me his heart & I've frozen mine & thrown it on the ground and watched it shatter, & what I hate, well I'm not going to say [hate], but what makes me really like, I don't it just makes me more...resentful to him isssss that he's willing to get down & pick up the pieces & mold them back together.. I'm not willing enough to let this happen. I don't want love, I sound insane, [Love Lockdown starts playing no really it did just start playing on my iTunes]. I'm not willing enough to love, but I guess I can learn, yet I'm not wanting to hurt anyone in this process. I feel as if I rushed into this thing I have going on with this guy & in my last blog I said I was going to say goodbye to Flings & I really do want to, but I don't want a relationship, not now.....not now. & I can't love anyone else, until I love myself. & that hasn't happened yet, so womp. I've been thinking about my future lately, I have some goals to accomplish,  I have some places to see, I have some dreams to live out & I've come to the conclusion that I can't spend my life thinking about things that's pointless, caring for those who could care less, regretting all that I can't take back. I have a whole life ahead of me, & I can't expect the world or anyone in it to give me anything in this world. I don't want it if it's that easy. I'm the one to put up a fight, & it's not a success with out a struggle. Silver spoons is for pussy's. You remember that saying that was like on every other graphic t-shirt & it said "DO WORK SON", my life story. So, I'm done. I feels like I've let off a load & it feels good. But it still feels like I'm about to fucking explode, I'm disappointed in myself, very. & the suckass part is it's my fault [when is it not?] & there's nothing I can change. The only thing I can do is move on; Lesson Learned & Reality Faced.

TOO BAD I SUCK AT MOVING ON.

I try to put all the memories (good & bad) in a dust proof bag & keep 'em close to my heart. & at every weak point I'll turn to them. Which means, I repeatedly look into the past hoping for the future to be the same, or better. & I believe that is the worst any person can do including yourself, basing your future off my past. & you wanna know what's soooooo fucking pitiful, is i hold my memories so close to me to make up for the fact that my life in present tense sucks; major FML, hm?

YEAH.

mhmm, yes; It's time.

Soooo, title: basically means I've had an

EVOLUTION.

Pretty much. & welpp, it's just me letting go of things that doesn't need to be. Dropping things that doesn't matter, letting go of dead weight. I feel like a snake that's shedding it's outer layer, it feels so good.

I've realized so much about myself in this past week, it's crazy. Like, Idk. I've just, I've just Idk.. hmmm.

This Past Week:

• I slowwwwwwly [gotten over....?], stopped thinking, & yes, got over himm. Because I realized, things weren't mutual, and they weren't, and they'll never be. It's like I accidentally chose the role of the girl that cares about this...this asshole & his role is just to play the asshole & you know...it was just like me pouring all I have into a shattered cup---pointless. I'm not going to say I loved him.. but I don't know, I sure as hell cared, thought about him daily, and hourly, & just about every minute of the day. Like no matter if I was sad, happy, 'focused' on my homework; I thought about him all the focking time.  I just got so impatient because when I know that what I'm doing is not going to help me in no way, shape or form it bothers me. & that's what I was doing, wasting valuable time. SO, basis is, I'm so done with that, & I'm sure about that. "I'm not going to try to fit a square into a circle. I'm bolt locking doors & throwin away the key."[- I said that on my Twiiter status, & I love it, because I came up w/ it & it fits, perfectly.] But there's no hard feelings, I'm jut letting go & unlike Marques Houston..I'm not going in circles. & I'm not saying that I'm not ever gonna think about this guy again..because I know I will, there's not denying that fact, I will. But, I'm happy I've finally let go. 
• I'm DONE with flings. Like, no more. Point, blank, period; No More Flings fer me! Shiett, just...no.
  
• I also found out I'm reallllllly needy. Like, I've asked for 4 things in a week, idk if that's needy or just spoiled. No, it's just needy, because I've gotten NONE of them. So, this means I'm disobeying one of the 10 Commandments [ Thou shalt not want... ] :\ - thass not good, hm? But, in the Bible it says "Ask and you shall receive..", rightt...? [MAN, I SWEAR MY iTunes IS JAMMMIN TONIGHT, DANYUMM] butt, uhh. yeahh. I need to cut back on wanting stuff, forreal. It's making me feel like a brat.
• I made some positive goals for my future, for my life & I'm so proud of myself like I really am. You don't understand. I look @ my brothers & see what they're doing w/ their life.... Actually, my oldest one is really trying, I'm proud of him; on the contrary the other one is just makin' offsprings and not knowing what to do w/ his life. But I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's still young. I just hope he get on the right path... I've realized that some of the choices I've been making recently....has not been so good. Like smoking, I've only smoked twice; first time- Black & Mild and the secondd...- Mary Jane. Both of those experiences, was almost horrible, I should have known after the first time that this hobby was not fer me, because it makes my lungs too close to collapsing; & I did both of those, just outta experience, MOSTLY curiosity, but the surprising part is.. there was no type of peer pressure involved, like at all. & they we're experienced w/ the same person... so what does that tell me about that person..? That I need to get my ass from around them. I'm not stoopid, I know right from wrong. So, I'm not gonna totally be-friend the person, but I do know that I need limits in my life, I need to set boundaries w/ that person. On the light side, I haven't drank alcohol since "Watery Apples" [LMFAO, omg]. & THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT, forreal. But I really need to get my life on track. I'm not tryna end up anything but great, you feel my breeze babe? If not, idc. In the great words of my husband, "I Just Wanna Be, I Just Wanna Be; Successful."<3. Forreal, tho. :]  

• I've also noticed a not good quality about myself. I mean, I haven't just noticed it, I've known, well I haven't known, I've just been ignoring it, I guess, or I haven't payed that much attention to it. To be honest, I just didn't CARE,  like I really didn't give-a-fuck. But I've been really careless with my "reputation", but really to tell the truth; I was only careless w/ it over the summer. & I didn't really do anything. Just, idk, some spur of the moment things that I really didn't think about. Do I regret them, oh-no, I had fun while it lasted... just thanks fer the memories & well, yeah. No more being so promiscuous tho.... I think, yeahh. I'm done, no more promiscuity, lol. Wait, I think it's like one person on my to-do list, & I'm done, forrreeallll! & I might just burn that to do list before the year is over... :]

Basically, this evolution is just about me telling myself that I really need to change. I need to show who I really am, I mean, that's gonna be hard because you know how most of your teens years your supposed to be finding yourself; & basically yes, I am still finding myself. Ugh, I hate being a teenager, it's totally not worth it to me. But, I can't complain. But like I was saying, I need to change in a positive direction. 

Fine-lee, FALL BREAK.

I'm Gettin Money, Muthafuck These Hoes.
I'm kinda ashamed that I know word by word on the DB & CORN playlist. :\

hmmmm, I wonder if I was guy if I would get a thrill outta spying on a girl fingering herself...? Like, wtf?! [I'n watching American Pie, the only  reason why that thought popped up in my head.] Hmmmm.... LMAO, the little short girl w/ the red hair is so hilarious to me! I got this really ugly sweater-vest type thing that I would like wear in the second grade w/ no problem, it's like hideous...but IT'S SOOOO COMFORTABLE! I swear, I'm sleeping in it tonight. :] & then mi madre got this like really cute cheetah print vest from the store & it's sooo cute, I stole it from her. ahhah, but I really wanna go to like a thrift store & find some like cute vintage stuff,you know?
Maybe not. Lately I was contemplating making me a twitter... & today I ended up making one, :\. Last time I made one, I only had ONE follower & it was Von Denire! How much of a fuckin loser was I?! Like, really, 1 follower... smmdh. But yeah, I made one today & I have 10 followers so farr. :\ - slash - :], hopefully it works out way better than last time. Cause that shit was fucking horrible, like I hated it, it made me paranoid of Twitter. [twitter.com/ReptaraaNev, follow me please?] Thanks. :] Ahggg. I'm so mad I can't sleep. Hmph, I'm hungry again. I've listened to this playlist 3 times today, this is terrible. I think Jazzmyn & I,is natural born rats, but oour parents saw it coming, so they sheltered us...that shit didn't work!  LMAO. Ehmm, OMYGAHD, so I took this little quiz thingy on Facebook, right??? & uhmmm, it was like "What's the initaial of you destined best friend" (or some crapp like that) & my result was J!!!! I was likeeeeee WHATTHEEEEEEEEE?! Because it's trueeeee! I was oh-em-jee, thass crazy. Lol. Just a lil Booker T. W, for you. :] But hmmm, I wonder if my mom id gunna get me these two pairs of jeans that I asked fer. Hmm, but now I don't want the two pair, I want one pair of the jean & then these shoes. :] & I still gahtta get some cars boxers & some v-neck t-shirts. :D
Yeahhhhh, I'm kinda needy, but it's coo. But, I'm also tireedddd, so eh'm goneee..
BYE.<3

We've Only Just Begunn...<3

Mannnnnnnn, I sweearrrr I CANNOT wait for flippin Fall Break, mann. Omg, mi madre just brought me some Chick-fil-A, BOY! This shit is about to be demolisheddddddd. :] [does bankhead bounce...] <---ignore thatt.
I have 3 exams tomorrow & to tell the truth I really don't give a fuck about any of 'em. I have homework I've been avoiding to do, but I don't feel like going to get my bookbag from downstairs. Ugh, my mom had to take m car back because some lad bumped into the back of it & fucked it up. Suchaaa bummer, hmm? So thi guy I'm talking to, I kinda like him.. but from references... I've heard that he's really sweet when he's talking to a girl but once he starts dating them....WOMP, WOMP. Soooo, I dunno bout dhiszzz guy. [ignore that dhiszz] But, I gehtttaaa go!
BEH HAWHHS. :]

On a Lighter Notee....

That last blog was like walking on jagged edges for me. I broke down like a million times writing it, then when I proof read it, it took foreverrr because my eyes kept fogging up and stuff. Jeeeezus. So today I went to Walmart to get posters for my campaign and whatnot & they have t-shirts & shit for my school there, I was like wtfudgeeeeeeee.. Lol. But ahmmm, I really want some Cars boxers/ tighty-whiteys :] Honest-to-God- story.
Now I have a headache from crying, GAH. :\ Hmmm.. so my homecoming is in like... 3 weeks; & Ihave some of my outfit already...& I talked to mi madre about be getting extentions in my hair for homecoming & she said Mhmmm. :] I'm so happyyyy. =] Soo, like two guy have tried to "talk" to me this week, & they were ok..they weren't [mytype] cute.& I turned them down. Now I'm talking to anotherrrr guy named Diego..gahddd. but i'm down to talking to two guys.. I'm proud. I really don't wanna talk to them, like that.. but whatever. Uhmmm, well. I'm gunna go make these posters now. Check back in tomorrow, promise..
:]

BEH! :]

Wild Thanggg, You Make My Heart Sanggg.

So, I just tweeeeeked my page. I'm not done yet. I'm falling in love with it, more and more & more. Hmm, "Where the Wild Things Are.." - s t o r y o f m y l i f e. Like, you just would not understand.

Sometimes you jut have to isolate yourself from the world to be understood, because you're the only person who understands you. Sometimes you just have to walk alone..to figure out where the hell your going. & when the world disagrees with every little thing your doing, and every back is faced your way, you just have to make the world yours, be confident in every move you make & not care anymore, be your own support system & merge your way through the backs turned against you & prove every great accomplishment that you achieved, the one that was everyone's great disbelief, everyone's great reality. So you can see the look of astonishment on their face & you can say..."I did it". & in a million years you wouldn't guess that you patting yourself on the back...could ever feel so great. Because when you know you've accomplished something all by yourself, when everybody else said you couldn't do it & you don't know where to go, who to follow, what to believe, who loves you& who to love & who not to love.. & you get through it ALL. You're a pretty strong person, in my eyes. I award you for that. I'm kinda babbling, but it's my blog; so pretty much I can do whatever the heck I want. Si?

I admire those that conquers their dreams & make them reality. I adore people like that.I also admire people that do things w/o the thought of even anyone caring what they do.. self-conscious people really just... I don't really like dealing with self-conscious people, I like being people who's comfortable in their own shoes..Not people that switch shift with the crowd; the person that's all "Oh, well -THEIR- wearing it, so must I... Oh well -THEIR- doing it, so must I... Oh -THEIRS- is like that, mines should be too..

whatthefuckbeyourownself, prettyplease&areallybigthankyou.

Most of my life, I've known.. "I have my own brain, [this] happens to me if I do [this].. & that every move I make/made, I must take responsibilty for or I was a sorry excuse for someone, and that I have no backbone, & that if I was a replica of something, I wasn't worth much. Because people only want real things.."- exact words of my Uncle Ray.. he told me that when I was 10, going on 11. How do I know the exact words..? I wrote down in my Tweety Bird diary I had back in the day, that I still have. :] He told me that when I had locked myself in a bathroom because I thought that I wasn't as pretty as the other girls.. Back when I used to model, I was at a fashion show & everyone else was so happy & excited, all the other girls were Caucasian & it was me and one other black girl & I was just so worried that no one would like me, that I wouldn't get the modeling scholarship if I wasn't like the other girls.. & I don't know, I was just trippin'. Welp, I ended up wining the scolarship, me & three other girls... I declined the offer, because of some personal/family issues in my life that had been going on. & yet there's not a day I don't wonder where the hell I would be if I had of accepted that scholarship... probably somewhere beautiful, somewhere I'd want to be....

Welp, that's the past. My babblingg, my babbling. :]

This book, this movie: Where the Wild Things Are. 

Is just really,  really, really a touchy subject for me. But like, I love it. Alot. It was fourth grade, a very horrible time of my life... I had a psychiatrist, they tried to put me on freakin anti-depressants; actually scratch out the "tried", THEY DID. & I witnessed my mom having a freaking nervous breakdown & was away from her for almost 2 years of my life.. it's was a really really terrible place on the timeline of my life. What sticks out is, everybody else in my life [excluding my brothers].. Okay well, everybody that could somewhat help in this situation.. didn't. They only thing they contributed by saying... "Put her[them(brothers)] in a foster home...". Like, really... your own blood...? Your granddaughter, your niece, your DAUGHTER. Really?!? So, basically only one person pulled through for me & my brothers.. my mom's ex-husband Derek.. it took someone OUTSIDE the family to really open up & care.... terrible, huh? Maybe that's the reason why I am now. Anywhoo. Through alll of the non-caring teachers, overwhelming counselors, those stoopid people trying to take me from my family... it was two very very important teachers that was there, Mrs. Branster & Mr. Gibbs.<3 They were there & very supportive. Mr. Branster had gave me this book one day. & I read it, & I read it, & read it, alot more. It helped me out alot. I realllyy did. This book & my stuffed animal Butterscotch made my life just stable out of all the crazyness & helpless moments.

^this is Butterscotch by the way. I take him everywhere, w/o anyone noticing. :]

I love him, he forsureeee is gunna be there. ANYTIME.

Well, I had planned for this to be somewhat of a normal blog butt, didn't work out that way. Sorry; I'm just a weirdo, I know this. & it's engraved.

hmmm, really?

So, I redid this thing again..
I don't some-type of "Halloween" theme.. Idfk. It's a hot mess right now tho. I'll change it before I go to sleep, most likely.
Well on a lighter note, today was Kyle Cameron's birthday. :]
ilovehim, lots.
I love Karl Jrtoo.
I wrote in my journal about them today... It almost made me cry.
They mean, like,sooooo much to me. Like alot! Man.
It's like, idk. I care about them so much, because idk I jut do. I don't have anyone in my family to care about me for me to care about them, soo... I might as well give my love to them.
:]
Hmmm, well.
Idk, what else to say...